6 Months~

It's been six months today that Tucker passed away. In some ways I don't want to forget the pain of that day...somehow it validates our connection in my mind. However unhealthy that may seem, it is part of this crazy mourning process for me. I have to admit that time does dull the pain, and I have had a pretty good month. I use to cry every day, and since his birthday in January I have felt an amazing peace. I am so happy that peace has come. We will never forget what a special person Tucker was, and is, or how hard it was to say good-bye. We love you Tucker!

We

Happy 18th Birthday Tucker :(

How cool are these?  Tucker loved  golf...well actually he loved life and he had fun every moment he was here!  We were able to get together with Tucker's family and their closest friends on what would have been Tucker's 18th birthday.  The family gave us each one of these. 
 I just love them! 


 It has been 5 difficult months since he died.  I am really trying to focus on what Tucker taught me.  The first thing that comes to my mind is unconditional love.  He just 100% accepted me and my family for who we were  and loved us anyway!  What a gift he had to love.  He loved to laugh!  He found humor in everything.  He didn't take himself to seriously.  He would laugh at himself along with anyone else.  He was a hard worker.  He offered to build me a fire pit in our back yard.  I wish now I would have gone and bought the materials and let him; to always remember he did that, but it was a missed opportunity, nevertheless he left that example of service, and I loved that about him. 

We are also going to visit him tomorrow for his birthday and Valentine's Day.  Kylee and I put this arrangement together to place at his grave. 


 My thoughts have also been about Tucker and Kylee.  He confessed to me his feelings for Kylee several times and his frustrations.  I would always advise with the word patience.
   I threatened Kylee all thorough out grade school, middle school and high school that if she broke Tucker's heart  she would have me to recon with...so they never dated on my advice.  Waiting until he was home from his mission. 


Of course secretly I wanted him for a son in law, who wouldn't?


Kylee has had the most difficult time dealing without her Tucker.  He was her rock.  That for me is one of the more difficult burdens to bear, watching her suffer such a significant loss. 

On Another's Sorrow

William Blake

Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow filled?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, an infant fear?
No, no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!
And can He who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird's grief and care,
Hear the woes that infants bear --

And not sit beside the next,
Pouring pity in their breast,
And not sit the cradle near,
Weeping tear on infant's tear?

And not sit both night and day,
Wiping all our tears away?
Oh no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!
He doth give his joy to all:
He becomes an infant small,
He becomes a man of woe,
He doth feel the sorrow too.

Think not thou canst sigh a sigh,
And thy Maker is not by:
Think not thou canst weep a tear,
And thy Maker is not near.

Oh He gives to us his joy,
That our grief He may destroy:
Till our grief is fled an gone
He doth sit by us and moan.

This poem reminds me of how I feel, but also reminds me that Heavenly Father loves us and is near and that I need to trust in him :)

The King of Wishful Thinking

Service Project in honor of Tucker

We cleaned up the Auburn Golf Course and planted a tree in his honor. He would have been the golf captain this year :(
In the three months that Tucker has been gone, we have experienced all kinds of emotions. The one most surprising is abandonment. Because we are not family, people haven't realized just how deep our mourning is for him. I haven't lost a child, and I hope I NEVER do. I don't want to compare the emotions I have felt over Tucker. But I honestly don't know how it could hurt any worse. And people just don't seem to get that. We always felt like he was family and treated him that way. He knew it too. He loved the attention and the love our family gave him. He was loved by many, so I know many must be feeling this way too. Somehow I just want to believe we loved him more. More than a friend, more than a family friend, as much as if he were part of our own family.

I am so glad we were able to bring him into our circle and share with him so much. Others don't understand how you can love a child that is not yours, we believe it's a spiritual gift and we are so blessed to be able to open our hearts to many not originally part of our family. I am proud of our children who can also love others unconditionally. They treated him like a brother, and he felt it and knew it.

So when I cry every day, and bring him up over and over again, people give me this strange, weird look...like I don't need to be this sad. It's not my loss to mourn so deeply. Then I feel a bit stupid and embarrassed, talk to Tucker in my head and get mad at him for being so lovable, and realize no one gets it. So I tell myself to suck it up, fake it till I make it, and move on. I really do hope I can feel joy and happiness again, but for now I just keep getting out of bed each morning and going through the motions.

There is a song called, "The King of Wishful Thinking" It says, " I refuse to give into my blues, that's not how it's gonna be. And I deny the tear in my eye, I'm not going to let you see...that you have made a hole in my heart, and now I've got to fool myself. I'll get over you, I know I will, I'll pretend my ships not sinking, and I'll tell myself, I'm the King of wishful thinking."

A tender mercy... I found an old message from Tucker

Today is the one month mark of Tucker's passing.  Kylee and I planned on helping my friend Bonnie, who was also very close to Tucker.  She threw her back out and needed help shopping at Costco and lifting things.  So we made a day of it.  We also wanted to go visit Tuckers' grave.  Once at Costco they didn't have what Bonnie wanted so we ended up leaving in a rush and forgot to get flowers.  We didn't realize it until we got to the cemetery.  I bet Tucker was just laughing at us.  We are such ding dongs.  It was a beautiful day and the sun was so warm.  The view is just amazing. Some flowers had died so we cleaned up the area a little and then I decide to go pick a flower from a bush growing close by.  I am sure Tucker would approve.  It was a little naughty.  We all had a good laugh, and a good visit with Tucker.  I am so glad he is buried here in Washington.  I am pretty much over my crazy behavior, and my memory is coming back.  I am able to control my feelings of sadness and mostly keep my thoughts positive.  I have even cleaned up my shrine ( Bonnie's husband Tim lovingly called it).    Which would be the assortment of random pictures of Tucker I posted all over the mirror hanging in our entry way.  I just have a few pictures of him around the house now. 

So after Tucker passed away I was going through my phone looking for the last text we had to each other.  He had asked me if I had an extra phone he could borrow.  I just loved being one of his go to people.  The last time we loaned him a phone, it was a pretty nice smart phone, and he had it for two days before it was stolen.  He was always going through phones. 

I locked that message in my phone to always have.  Well a few days later I went to look for the message and I must have made a mistake and not locked it...because it was deleted.  I was pretty sad.  It would have been nice to have that.  Well today I was on Facebook looking at Tucker's page.  I looked at our personal messages and found this...

I am so happy I have a note from him.  And how funny that it is also about a phone.   I lost my phone at his 16th birthday party at his uncle's house.   What a tender mercy to have such a nice message. 

A mini, mini, mini miracle ( and I mean really small) but I'll take it.

Ok, I am usually a pretty organized person, but lately I have been what I call a hot mess.  I have no motivation at all.   Jensen needed composition books for nearly two weeks and little Dallin needed dividers for a science binder.  Well I finally drove to the local Walgreens and got Jensen his books but again forgot Dallin.  Friday morning about 10 minutes before his ride was going to pick him up ( which is 6:50am) Dallin informs me his science binder is due for check in and he will get a zero if he doesn't have dividers.  I feel like a horrible mother.  School started two weeks ago for goodness sakes.  This is so unlike me.  ( Not to mention I got a call from Dallin's soccer coach asking if he was quitting the team because he had missed practice for the last two weeks) another thing I forgot.  Poor kid.  So yesterday morning was the last straw.  I said a little pray that went like this, " Heavenly Father, if there are any dividers in our house could you please lead me to them quickly"  Well, I decided to open up our office closet door, looked at the many binders stacked on the shelf and pulled out a random binder...opened it and wa...la!  5 empty divider tabs just waiting to be used!  Yes a miracle indeed.  And I really needed that !

The Spirit World

Obviously I have been thinking about life after death a lot.  I have too much time to think.  When I don't take sleeping pills I am awake all night to think.  It's not healthy, but it's where I am at right now.  Last night was one of those nights.  This morning I woke up to an email from someone I don't know about September 11th.  Below is that email.  It is a wonderful story of two wonderful fathers, and uplifting.  However when I read it, I found it to be sad.  I will explain why at the end of the story.


A few weeks before Sept. 11th, my wife and I found out we were going to have our first child. She planned a trip out to California to visit her sister. On our way to the airport, we prayed that God would grant my wife a safe trip and be with her. Shortly after I said 'amen,' we both heard a loud pop and the car shook violently. We had blown out a tire. I replaced the tire as quickly as I could, but we still missed her flight.


Both very upset we drove home. I received a call from my father who was retired NYFD (New York Fire Department). He asked what my wife's flight number was, but I explained that we missed the flight. My father informed me that her flight was the one that crashed into the southern tower. I was too shocked to speak. My father also had more news for me; he was going to help. 'This is not something I can't just sit by for; I have to do something. ' I was concerned for his safety, of course, but more because he had never given his life to Christ. After a brief debate, I knew his mind was made up. Before he got off of the phone, he said, 'take good care of my grandchild.


Those were the last words I ever heard my father say; he died while helping in the rescue effort. My joy that my prayer of safety for my wife had been answered quickly became anger. I was angry at God, at my father, and at myself. I had gone for nearly two years blaming God for taking my father away. My son would never know his grandfather, my father had never accepted Christ, and I never got to say good-bye.


Then something happened. About two months ago, I was sitting at home with my wife and my son, when there was a knock on the door. I looked at my wife, but I could tell she wasn't expecting anyone. I opened the door to a couple with a small child. The man looked at me and asked if my father's name was Jake Matthews. I told him it was.


He quickly grabbed my hand and said, 'I never got the chance to meet your father, but it is an honor to meet his son. ' He explained to me that his wife had worked in the World Trade Center and had been caught inside after the attack. She was pregnant and had been caught under debris. He then explained that my father had been the one to find his wife and free her. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought of my father giving his life for people like this.


He then said, 'there is something else you need to know. ' His wife then told me that as my father worked to free her, she talked to him and led him to Christ. I began sobbing at the news. Now I know that when I get to Heaven, my father will be standing beside Jesus to welcome me, and that this family would be able to thank him themselves . When their baby boy was born, they named him Jacob Matthew, in honor of the man who gave his life so that a mother and baby could live.


This story should help us to realize this: God is always in control. We may not see the reason behind things, and we may never know this side of heaven, but God is ALWAYS in control. Please take time to share this amazing story. You may never know the impact it may have on someone. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.


Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures Forever. Psalm 1:36 May God bless you, and your family, It's been reported that 86% of Americans believe in God. We are part of that percentage.. 'In God We Trust!'

I think it's sad that most Christians think that their loved ones have to accept Christ in this life to be saved.  Do they realize how many people this disqualifies?  Does God really only love so few of his children?  No, he loves us all.  I believe that after we all die, Christian or not, we will be greeted by our loved ones in the spirit world.  It will be a wonderful reunion.  Just like family reunions here on earth.  Those that didn't have the opportunity here on earth to learn of Christ will be taught by other family and friends about the savior and the gospel.  They will still have their agency and be able to accept or reject those teachings in the spirit world.  Thus every soul has the blessing of living with God and their families forever.  Isn't that so much more wonderful :)

~ Broken~

Proverbs 17:22
A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones.  I am broken.  It's the only word that comes to my mind every time someone asks me, "How are you doing?"  I don't like my blog today, and I don't want to record this part of our lives.  But how could I not?  My blog is our family journal and we have lost part of our family.  If somehow not writing this could change the past then I would never write again.  IF, IF, IF...and that's all that comes to my mind...ALL the time!

Some will not understand the bond we had with him, and I don't really care.  He knows, and he knew how much we loved him.  He would come to our home to hang out with Jensen or more often Kylee, but nearly every time when he was little he would end up as my shadow.  He would chat my ear off and offer to do every chore in the house, and I would let him serve, because he LOVED it.  It made him happy, and all I ever wanted to do was make him happy. To somehow compensate for the deep loss he had already experienced in his young life of just 10 years.  How can such a cute little mama's boy lose his world.  But that is what he had to do.



 His mom died seven years ago, and she was his everything.  She was spunky,full of laughter, a cheerleader in high school, and fun,fun,fun.  Think "soccer mom" and you can picture her.  I loved her too.  We had a bond.   A connection from the first time we met, we were both a little feisty, both loved our husbands and children  and would do anything for them. We shared a name. "Dawn" She was Kimberly Dawn. We talked on the phone about each child and their struggles, offered support and even went to the temple together.  Those are sacred memories, memories that opened up the door for an unconditional love toward her children, but especially Tucker.  He just instantly and unconditionally loved our family and began spending lots of time with us.  And we enjoyed every second!

And now it's been a week since we laid Tucker to rest.  At just 17 he was called home to heaven to continue his work there and be with his mom.  And I am broken. All this time I thought he needed me, but really we needed him! We loved him soooo much.  He was like a son to us and a brother to our children.  I can't imagine our future on this earth without him.  He was a fixture in our home.  We had him on vacations, he slept on our couch ever so often.  I bought him at least 10 toothbrushes to keep at our house because sometimes he would stay for days!  He bought and brought home gifts for Kylee everywhere he travelled to, always.  His mom made him a treat called Puppy Chow, and I carried on that tradition with him and it became "our thing" every time he came over I dropped whatever I was doing and made him his "Puppy Chow"  The other kids became jealous of his royal treatment in our home and nick named him the golden child.  And he knew it and loved it.  He knew he was loved in our home and that we would do anything for him and his happiness.  I just didn't know it would mean living life without him.  That for me is so much to ask.  I need strength, and I am so weak.  I miss him, and the devestation and reality each new day brings just sucks!  I am broken for his family, I love them so much, and it's not fair!  I am mad.  And then the big "WHY?" question plays over and over in my head.  He LOVED LIFE!  And that is an understatement.  He had so much to give , so many people to touch, so much left.

I am so broken...I love you little Tuck Tuck.